Hey, kids — this Friday is Take Your Dog to Work Day! But it’s still a Friday, and it’s summer, and dogs hate paperwork. So call in sick instead and march your mutt to Magicland!
We’ll have all sorts of fun for your furry friends to enjoy. Friday only, dogs ride free on the Terrorizer! Three free squirts per pooch from the Water Blaster! And two-for-one trips on the dog-paddle boats — which are regular paddle boats, but missing the floor, which is most of them!
Also, be sure to treat your poochy pal to a treat from the Fry Anything stand. Just for the occasion, we’re offering twice-fried chili dogs!
(No actual dogs were harmed in the making of the hot dogs. Actually, we’re pretty sure no four-legged animals were harmed in the making of our hot dogs. Or our chili, for that matter.)
And no doggy day would be complete without a trip to Permo’s Beauty Salon for a makeover grooming. Check out the happy canine customer above — and that’s not even Permo’s best work! She was just practicing on a fire dog that came by with the fire trucks during last year’s event.
(Speaking of which, we unfortunately can’t offer our signature triple-fried chili dogs this year. It’s a lawyer thing.)
So this Friday, duck out with your dachshund, bail with your beagle or play hooky with your hound — and march your mutt to Magicland! It’s the most woof-erful day of the year!
Was that you rattling the chains on our gate yesterday?
(If not, it was probably a raccoon. We get a lot of them in Magicland.)
If you were wondering why you didn’t see a scowling (but helpful!) FUNployee at the Magicland ticket booth on Monday, it’s because we were off celebrating National Napping Day! Mostly voluntarily. To be honest, some of us drank a bit too much of Carny Clem’s homemade “slushie” and dozed off for a few more hours than intended (a 22-hour nap is good for the soul, kids!).
Needless to say, the carnies are feeling a bit asleep at the wheel right now, which makes today the very best day for thrill seekers to visit! Tilt-a-Whirl rides are lasting 47 minutes, and the patrons on the roller coaster have been riding for six hours now. Apparently, in Slushieland, no carny can hear you scream.
National Napping Day is a favorite tradition in Magicland. Why, look at our own Uncle Frank celebrating on the Scrambler! #throwbacktuesdayafternoon (That’s a thing, right?)
The calendar has turned and a new year has begun — but your always-open, every-day, 24-hour Magicland theme park is here for you! While you enjoy our Sno-Cones and open-air ferris wheel this winter, why not treat yourself with a new ‘do, too?
All January, every cut and style in the Magicland Hair Salon is half-price! You’ll also receive a complimentary nose-fitted hair guard, to keep stray clippings away from your precious schnozz. Our expert stylist Permo the Clown will paste your guard on with near-permanent spirit gum, then give you a kicky new haircut like you’ve never had before!
It’s all part of Magicland’s “Happy New Hair” promotion, running all through the month of January. Even the Magicland staff are getting in on this one. Check out the glamour shots above — our lawyer, accountant and IT support lady have never looked better! Come get your happy new hair from Magicland and Permo today!
Is the ill-tempered election cycle getting you down? Are you done with debates, sick of the scandals and pooped out on politics in general? Then come to Magicland on Tuesday and grab us by the party — the Election Exhaustion Party, a non-partisan Magicland bash!
Leave your party affiliations — and a low, low admission fee — at the front gate and have some politics-free fun for once in the last eighteen months. Ride a roller coaster that isn’t economic (but may still crash)! Get soaked by the Water Blaster — not the other side’s tax plan! Scream bloody murder on the Terrorizer, instead of at each other!
And don’t worry — Magicland has your favorite foods, no matter how you lean. Our Fry Anything stand will offer TrumpNuts — in-shell peanuts sprinkled in Cheeto dust and deep-fried. (They’re awfully hard to swallow, but you also don’t want to chew on them too long.) We’ll also have HillDogs — lukewarm corn dogs dipped in blueberry syrup. (They look sweet, but we’re not exactly sure what sort of meat is inside. Multiple investigations have gone nowhere.)
If those dishes don’t tickle your taste buds, we’ll have plenty of other options. Whether it’s Bernie Sanders’ extra-crusty fried chicken, a stein of green root beer or Aleppo a la mode… once we figure out what in the world that is.
And just to be clear, we at Magicland don’t have a bumper car in this race. The park rarely makes enough to pay taxes. We don’t get support from state or local government (no matter how many times we ask). And most of the staff can’t vote, because of felonies, and other… unpleasantness. So join us on Tuesday for the Election Exhaustion Party and have a blast. Four more years of Magicland!
To celebrate this special day, here are a few fun facts about the biggest — and smallest — thrills at Magicland!
- Magicland has three official coasters: a steel coaster, a wooden coaster, and a cobblestone coaster. Ever wondered why the ground shakes so much at Magicland? It’s not an earthquake — it’s just the Bedrock Blaster taking off!
- Despite what our Yelp reviews say, the Happy Worm Train is not an official roller coaster. This may change next season if Conductor Bob keeps taking it on “unscheduled adventures” down the log flume.
- Magicland’s Space Junk® Coaster was the first accidental roller coaster in the whole world! Our lawyers forbid us to explain exactly why it was an “accident”, but rest assured that landfills, inflatable aliens, and a squee-worthy amount of kinetic energy doesn’t come together on purpose.
- At Magicland, we think mid-ride photographs are so 2015. (Also, they require special camera equipment that we can’t afford.) But! All the Magicland coasters now offer an exciting new feature — the Pre-Ride™ photo! We’ll snap a picture of you waiting outside in the hot Toledo sun, so you will always remember just how relieved you were to get on the ride! (Providing the lingering heat stroke doesn’t remind you.)
- And speaking of fun things to do before you ride, at Magicland you won’t end your roller coaster ride by exiting through the gift shop. We start the line inside the gift shop, so you can shop before you ride! Pick up a few souvenirs for the kiddos while you wait! After all, nothing adds an extra thrill to your coaster ride than a bunch of foam fingers waving around!
The month of July is hovering ominously over us, which means it’s time for Magicland to celebrate America’s favorite summer holiday!
That’s right — July 2nd is World UFO Day, and we’re honoring our “homies from the heavens” with a special night of fun. It all starts at 6pm with “Saucerwatch ’16”, where we’ll load folks into roller coaster cars, and run you to the top of “Dead Man’s Hill”, the tallest point in the park. You’ll be in the perfect spot for UFO watching, right up until midnight when we bring you back down to earth.
(Also, we apologize once again to any patrons from last year’s Saucerwatch. We’ll set an alarm this time to turn the power back on, we promise. Still, the sunrise must have been breathtaking. No extra charge!)
For UFO fans closer to the ground, keep an eye out for the Fry Anything stand’s famous “flying saucerages”. These some-beef sausage patties are pounded extra thin, double-fried with love and lard, and flung like frisbees around the park for patrons to enjoy. They’re a little hard to see after dark — especially with the lights off for better UFO viewing — but they’re always delicious, any time of day.
And don’t forget to sign our annual always-popular petition to keep the weekend fireworks-free. We’ve heard the whispers of people saying Magicland is against Independence Day fireworks because we can’t afford them (which our accountant says is definitely not technically true, probably).
But the truth is, we just don’t want to upset the UFOs and the little green (or purple) men and women inside. So come celebrate World UFO Day at Magicland, keep your eyes on the skies and remember: skinks want to believe!
That’s right! And while kids around the country will be double-fisting chocolate-covered Wax Lips and puddle water taffy (both available in Magicland’s sweet shop!), we’re going to dedicate the most sugary month of all to our special FUNployee who is almost as sweet as her name.**
(**Our lawyers legally require us to disclose that the previous statement assumes we are grading on a curve.)
Since it’s Candy’s special month, we have a whole schedule of events dedicated to her:
Candy-coated Corn Dogs
We all know how much Candy loves corndogs, so this month the Fry Anything stand will be offering a special candy-coated corn dog in her honor. Choose between Candy’s two favorite sweets: Warheads and candy-corn-flavored antacid tablets. If you see her in the park, ask her to autograph your corndog stick. You never know what she’ll say!
(We don’t even know what she’ll say. But this seems like a good time to mention that the first aid tent is located in the middle of the corn maze with a branch office inside The Tunnel of Mild Affection. Our medical staff is very efficient at removing corndog sticks from bodily orifices, so you can get right back to the magic!)
Scavenger Hunt for the Information Booth
Candy believes that knowledge must be earned, so she loves to give park goers a challenge by moving the information booth to undisclosed locations (until Jake finds it and tells her to move it back). Jake has assured us he will not be wasting any time this month looking for the information booth (he was babbling about getting ready for a safety inspection or a safety dance or something), so the hunt is on! Where do you think Candy put the booth today? Inside the haunted house? The bottom of the wave pool? The top of the log flume? If you find it, let us know!
(Seriously, let us know. No one has seen that thing for a week.)
Resting Candy Face Contest
Candy has a very distinctive look, so we want you to show us your best resting Candy face. The winner gets a free park map. (Trust us, with the information booth gone, this is a very valuable prize!) We’ve even included a picture of Candy’s infamous resting face for inspiration!
It’s Easter weekend, and Magicland is gearing up for the big holiday now! Sammy Skink is trying on his Easter bunny cotton tail, the Happy Worm Train is decked out in pastel colors — and best of all, Magicland is hosting our very first Easter egg hunt!
The big event is Sunday morning at 9am, but come see us today for a trial run. We’ve hidden painted eggs all over the Magicland grounds, so join us today for a “pragg-tice” Easter egg hunt. The fun starts at noon, and it’s Easter Magical!
Update (11:50am): The leader of our Egg Decorating Team, Permo the Clown, has informed us she was unaware the eggs should be hard-boiled first. (“How should I know,” she explained. “I’m Jewish.”) So please be careful when handling any found eggs.
Update (12:16pm): Magicland apologizes for the raw eggs used in today’s egg hunt. Patrons with visible egg-related stains on their clothing are eligible for a free water spray from the Blaster to clean up. (One blast per person, non-transferable.)
Update (12:21pm): Please refrain from using recovered eggs at the Sammy Skink dunk tank on the Midway. Sammy happens to be allergic to eggs, and also the tank water is starting to resemble an egg wash.
Update (12:33pm): We’d like to point out that the hawk’s nest near the top of the roller coaster is not part of the Easter egg hunt. Please do not disturb the eggs in the hawk’s nest; our staff has nicknamed her “Aunt Pecky” for a reason.
Update (12:39pm): The Sammy Skink dunk tank has been closed until further notice, due to repeated and relentless egging. Also, Sammy’s morning appearances are rescheduled for whenever Nurse Nancy can get the swelling to go down. Meanwhile, the dunk tank has been adopted by the Fry Anything stand as a prep area for their deep-fried chocolate bunnies. Hop on over and try one!
Update (12:44pm): We’ve learned that Conductor Bob hid several dozen eggs under the skirts of the bumper cars. We recommend avoiding that area of the park. It’s a real egg-pocalypse over there.
Final Update (12:58pm): Due to unforeseen circumstances, Sunday’s Easter egg hunt has been canceled. Instead, Magicland will host an omelette, quiche and frittata Easter brunch, starting at 10am. Dishes will be available at the Fry Anything satellite stand (aka, the dunk tank/egg wash station). As our park manager Candy says: “Yum.”
Header image via Flickr by Kate Ter Haar
Magicland is proud to celebrate Presidents’ Day this Monday — and in true Magicland style, we’re doing things a little differently.
Any old park can honor the easy presidents — your Washingtons, your Lincolns, your John Adams, with Quincy or without. But this year, we’re going all out for one of history’s near-forgotten American leaders: Ohio representative, senator and ninth president of the United States, William Henry Harrison.
To commemorate President Harrison’s 30 days in office (he died of pneumonia a month into the job in 1841), Magicland day passes on Monday will cost $30. That’s 1.6% off the regular price of $30.49! And every 30th corn dog at the Fry Anything stand is half price — those are truly presidential savings!
Best of all, every Magicland ride on Monday will last exactly 30 seconds. So you can ride dozens and dozens of times on our carousel, kiddie cars and spinning cocoamugs, all for the usual two tickets per ride!
And don’t worry about the other rides; Magicland has you covered. We’ll provide flashlights, so you can walk back from 30 seconds into the Haunted House ride and the Tunnel of Love. And the ladders to climb down that first hill of the roller coaster are on the house, too. It’s all part of our William Henry Harrison Day presidential service!
So drop by Magicland for Presidents’ Day, and celebrate a Monday holiday, speedy rides, slightly cheaper corn dogs and Ohio’s own William Henry Harrison. It’s Tippecanoe and Magic, too!
Header image via Wikipedia
Here at Magicland, we host celebrations for all the big holidays. Arbor Day. Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. Festivus. But this Saturday, we’re gearing up to celebrate… nothing.
That’s because Saturday is National Nothing Day, and we’re getting in the spirit of no celebrations, no observations, no honoring or holidaying. Nothing.
So come join us Saturday for National Nothing Day. We’ll just be hanging around the park — but feel free to let yourselves in. (Don’t forget to drop your ticket fee into the “honor system” box, of course.)
Sit quietly in a bumper car for a while (they won’t bump), or check out the front door of our haunted house. We’ve revamped our food court and Fry Anything menus — they’re serving nothing. And you can still play Ring Toss on the Midway. (If you bring your own rings. And if you win, the prize is nothing!)
Some people like Christmas, or St. Paddy’s, or Cinco de Mayo. But Magicland’s favorite holiday is right around the corner this Saturday. And we do Nothing Day like nobody’s business!