Revved-Up Ride Reaches Record, Regrettably Rambles

Magicland made history yesterday, as our stately Tilt-A-Whirl ride was reopened after several weeks of work. But park owner “Uncle” Frank Skinkerelli wasn’t content just to have a few gears oiled while the ride was under maintenance.

“It’s the oldest Tilt-A-Whirl in the land,” Skinkerelli boomed at the grand re-opening, “and by golly, it deserves to be the fastest, too!”

That’s why Magicland hired a crack team of motorheads — including a former roadie for Motorhead, coincidentally — to soup up the Tilt-A-Whirl engines and set a new amusement park speed record. With reporters on hand from all the major outlets — the Toledo Times, Coaster Chronicles and the Restabunch Retirement Village Weekly Entertainment Flyer — we fired up the ride and gave it a whirl.

And boy, was it thrilling to watch! The cars whipping around the track, faster and faster, bobbing and dancing along! Just a few moments in, we checked the speed meter and confirmed we’d set the record. No Tilt-A-Whirl had ever run faster! Magic happens every day at Magicland!

Before the ride could be powered down, one of the cars broke free of the track and crashed through the retaining gate, spinning off down the Midway. Happily, there were very few people in that area of the park, so no patrons were injured.

Unfortunately, that was the car that our beloved “Uncle Frank” had insisted in riding in, to be a part of the record-setting attempt. Frank sadly did not survive the incident. Emergency responders have determined that an inadvertent spray from the Blaster water cannon ride, which sent Frank’s Tilt-A-Whirl car sailing through a parking lot, may have been the final blow. Said paramedic Barry Gordman:

“He pulled more G’s on that ride than a pilot in an F-22 Raptor! Man, if he’d hit a Buick, he’d have sliced it in half. Wait, that sounds insensitive. This is off the record, right?”

Services for Uncle Frank will be held on Saturday, May 2nd at the Leif Sabeech Funeral Home on Third Avenue. Pallbearers will include a number of Magicland employees, including park mascot everyone’s favorite crazy lizard, Sammy Skink!

(Sammy asks that any autograph or photo requests be held until after the service, out of respect.)

The Tilt-A-Whirl ride will be temporarily unavailable, due to routine maintenance.